Into the Void




Typically when a person is 100 feet away from eating a bullet, the overwhelming emotion is fear.  I feel nothing.  POW!! SCREEECH!! The car pulls off in a hurry.  I don’t see the body, but one was hit.

Casually I continue past what later would be the crime scene and think nothing of the fact that I was seconds away from it.  Where was I headed?  To the gas station to play the Powerball.  Over 300 million is up for grabs.  Mega millions too!

I hit the end of the complex entryway and almost get run over by half a dozen squad cars hurrying to the scene behind me.  Fastest response time to a gun-shot I’ve ever seen in my friggin’ life.  In an urban area at that!  Something like 5 minutes!  That’s when I thought; “damn, maybe someone actually did get shot.”

I play my lucky numbers and mosey on back to my complex.  Ambulance has its horns blaring and lights flashing while it exits.  Must be the victim in the back.  For a fleeting moment I pondered if I’d be happy or sad if that was me in the back of that ride.  Part of me would have been angry because I didn’t have a DNR bracelet yet.  Been quietly scoping those out for a long time now.  Not suicidal or anything, but if I was in critical status, I’d be like “fuck it, pull the damn plug already.”

I suppose the older I get, the more I think about the after-life.  I philosophically used to over-think about this subject in my teenage years.  What’s next?  Where do our souls go?  Are we reincarnated?  New dimension?  What?

I haven’t been on this planet for half a century yet, but am I already over it?   Am I wrong to even have this sort of complex of being ready to hit the next existence?  Should I be more determined to change this thought process?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Be a hard one to flip anyway after it’s been a constant internal conversational piece since my pre-teen years.  Besides, I’ve probably minimized the amount of folks that’d miss the wolfe if he was gone.  Whether consciously or subconsciously.  Probably the result of a long list of anti-people quotes engraved in my head from the parental units as I was growing up.  I’m not a parent, but I wonder if parents have any idea how much their children latch onto while they’re in their first decade of life.  Every word, every action…

My common setting is to run.  But run where?  When I was about eleven, I stood at the end of my father’s driveway and had a deep conversation with myself on where I would go when I ran away.  Yes WHEN.  I had a bag of food and my trusty Walkman ready to go.  But after about an hour of standing there running scenarios like an expert mastermind, I decided I didn’t know enough about the streets to survive, nor did I like the alternatives of showing up on a few peoples’ door step not knowing if I’d be welcome.  So I conceded defeat for the time and sulked back inside.

My mother’s house?  That was even worse.  How do you tell your child you will murder them just because they blocked your attempt to slap his face off?  (and that’s just one scenario) I’ll save her chapter for some other memory dump session. Let’s just say this kid didn’t get enough hugs growing up…  Maybe she had something to do with why I’m always in fight or flight mode.  Neutral doesn’t come easy for me.  A shrink would say childhood trauma is a bitch and it has bitten me.  So I run.

Am I running from something or towards a goal?  What would that goal be?  Am I looking for a wolf pack to fit in with? Don’t know.  Been trying to figure that one out for too long as well.  So many questions and no true answers.  Only temporary distractions from my thoughts.  I think too much.  I’m happiest when I’m not thinking, which doesn’t happen enough!

My birthday is in 3 days.  Maybe I’ll win the jackpot and just bounce to Australia.  After all it has been a lucky day for me.   All I can do is keep moving.  Because that’s what I do.  It’s in my blood.  I run…


Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 8


I’m at the beginning of my fourth week here.  Went outside and appreciated the cool rain happening.  Just saw a few FB posts of folks wanting the rain to go away… crazy people. Maybe if the rain was constant for weeks on end, then yeah, that might be a bit much, but one or a few days at a time and I love it!

Job offers are starting to trickle in.  Not really the ones at the top of the list, but ones that would put food in my belly. 🙂  If only I could fast forward to making this artist thing lucrative… *sigh*.  Accepted two last week; one of which is a permanent full time that would devour my soul.  The other, a temp job that actually looks kind of fun and pays more, so that seems like the right avenue for now.

I’m a firm believer in the universe nudging us in directions of need at times.  Not necessarily forcing us into things, but supplying us with clairvoyance when we need it. Oddly enough, we still have free will to ignore it, or just go with it and see where it takes us.  I accepted the soul devouring position first, even though I already discovered while in the interview that I would absolutely hate it.  I almost walked out after the second interview, but I got the nudge that I should stick with it, because I’m going to receive a job offer for my efforts after this grueling process…

Five hours later (yes, five hours!!) I finally have my job offer in my hands.  A few minutes later I’m checking out the list of apartments researched to get me a spot.  Kind of over this whole weekly inn business for a number of reasons. Plus I’d be spending less as well. As luck would have it, I ended up getting the last 1 BR in the price range and location I wanted.  This lady literally walked in after me and wanted the one I just snatched up. Had I not accepted the job earlier, I’d have missed out on the place.

The next day I went to another interview and got the temp position on the spot, so that was cool. Universe was like, “we got your back homey.” Orientation starts tomorrow so we’ll see how it goes.

Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 7

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Rounding out week 3.  Been about a month since I worked up a full sweat with some intense cardio.  Body’s been yelling at me to remedy the situation and I’m right there with it.  Been doing strategic workouts inside rather than going full crazy mode at a gym or outside like I usually would.  No gym at this place, and only spending on necessities at this time.  Also, can’t go crazy mode since intense workouts mean the body needs to recoup intense calories, ie., food!  2- 3 days after crazy mode and I will still pretty much eat EVERYTHING!! Haha!  Sooo, figured it’d be best to tone that down until we get back on track with things.

I did say the heck with it and go for a jog at the fancy park today though.  That image at the top is the lake I finally found.  20170520_124842 smallPretty sweet! Also believe I found their um, *ahem* waterfall.  Still have more to explore, but this is an amazing park.  I jogged around the long way to get to this point, but there’s parking and a bunch of pavilions here indicating this is actually the paid section.  We have similar parks back in my home town and paying to simply go hang out at the park seems a tad absurd.  Just ask the guy below…  He saw me walking by taking pictures and hopped out of the water at me.  Rolled up on me like; “say bruh, you got some food?”

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The geese are so fat over here!!

Had to get creative with the workouts and workout gear as well, since I may have tossed all of my exercise gear  before I left.  Now that I think about it, I probably should grab some winter gear soon as well, since they were in the same bag.. Yikes!

Anyway, I’m glad I still have this handy workout mat.

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It’s been my new bestie since most of the workouts are inside.  Been doing a lot of yoga and Tai Chi (thanks for the memory implants, instructor peoples. 🙂 )  Also, with no weights, one has to get creative with resistance; chairs, gallon water jugs, books, whatever you can find to add a little bit of weight to your resistance movements.

So everything costs money, right?  With the lack of income, the street instincts kick in and remind you of how to stay thrifty when necessary.  This episode’s thrifty tip:  Saving money on laundry.  Instead of sullying up your wears and having to wash laundry more often, try walking around your room/place in your drawers and nothing else!  Gotta eat, do it naked.  Working on your computer, take it off.  Exercising inside? Just the drawers folks.  Haha!  Haven’t gotten comfy working out in my b-day suit yet, but the point is, you’ll have less laundry to wash, which will save you a few bucks a week.  Just be sure to use a towel so you don’t booty juice up the place. :p  If you’ve got about 3 weeks worth of drawers and hardly need to leave the crib, you can get away with not doing laundry for 2-3 weeks!! Hey, saved about 30 bucks right there! Other tips, later…


Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 6

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Week 2 of this adventure.  Spent the bulk of this time putting in job applications and hanging out at the park.  Found this amazing forest – with a name I don’t bother trying to pronounce – right around the corner.  Score!!  Sesquicentenial State Park.  Well, I suppose it’s not that hard when you sound it out, but whatever.  It has tall pine trees that stretch as far as the eye can see.  This park is huuuge!  Like over 1400 acres huge.  I haven’t even went off the main path yet, but I spent a good hour and a half hiking through it the other day and still have more to see. 20170520_124458 smallAccording to the map there’s a waterfall in there somewhere.  Probably one of those small creek waterfalls the way the park’s lined out, but either way, I’ll find it soon.

I’ve also been spending time knocking out chapters in the book I’m currently working on. Kinda have mixed feelings about actually trying to land a new job versus spending more time writing.  I’ve literally finished about 10 chapters in a short amount of time!  Of course, I know the realities.  Cash reserves won’t last forever… Gotta eat!

Late in the week I pulled out my ACE personal trainer books that I’d hardly put a dent in a few years back.  Figured it’d be a good time to try and get through them again and do the personal trainer career.  Memorizing three hundred pages of medical terms and another five hundred pages of content is still not my strong suit.  Two days of flipping through these pages was enough for another few years for me… back in the bag. lol.  I’m a visual/action learner, so maybe I’ll try to find the DVD material somewhere.

Had a couple interviews, but they were set up before I moved.  Finally had a few more interviews during my 3rd week here as well.  Man this place is slower than I thought with the call backs.  That’s definitely one of the things I miss in the mid-south.  Getting a call back in a few days, rather than weeks about jobs.  You’d think it’d be the other way around with this area having less density in the population.  Although, it could be the dreaded “overqualified” rearing it’s ugly head again.  I did have 2 of those emails come back stating this in more or less terms…  I shall press on.

Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 5

Waffle house

Finally arrived at my target destination of South Carolina on a Sunday night.  The first thing I noticed here is the air (and a crap ton of Waffle houses all over the place.  No joke, this place is what Starbucks is in metro areas).  So much cooler and easier to breathe over here.  Less stuffy.  The weather actually feels like a breezy 69 degrees outside.

The location I booked doesn’t open until Monday, so I spenpolar bear showert the night at an Econo Lodge. Hey, It was cheap and they actually had some continental breakfast in the morning. Hellooo Waffles and orange juice.  Though we won’t talk about the missing hot water…

I finally check in on Monday and well… let’s just say the online pictures must present the new inn on the west side of town, cause the live version isn’t as puurty. It’s a weekly inn sort of place Frige burner copyequipped with a 2 burner stove and a full size refrigerator.  My research indicated this was the most economical place equipped with $5 a week wifi, hot water and a roof.  It’s also tiny, but with no current income, we’ll make it work.

I settle in and set out to find a grocery store to stock up on grub for the week.  I spend small.  Lunch meat, milk and cereal.  Didn’t want to get too much food in case I have to haul it all out shortly.  After walking out of the Food Lion grocery store…  Brain: You can get all of this crap at a Walmart for 25-50% cheaper.  Me: I knooow I knoow!  Friday, hit ’em up!  Marie Callender frozen dinners almost half price cheaper for the same size.  Bet!!  Threw out all my cooking wares before I left Texas, so cold foods and microwave are the preparation methods of choice at the moment.  Refuse to buy replacements until I’m back at an official new address.  Just the basics man.  Humans have too much stuff!

Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 4

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Getting late.  Ran through about 600 miles today.  Pretty easy when you’re doin’ about 80 for most of the drive.  Talk about fun!  It’s always better when you’ve got blockers that do a buck ten on the freeway.  Driving tip: Let that Benz, family van, or late 80’s caddy slide by when they start tail gating.  That way you can pretty much do whatever speed you want since you know they aren’t gonna slow down and let you pass back by them.  Of course it’s always a bonus to have a blocker for 5-0 as well.

I decided to pull in to a Day’s Inn in Mississippi for the night.  Well, whaddya know, I was right smack on the Mississippi river!  (Totally not planned.)Mississippi bridge dayBridge and everything!  So I walk in, pretty much tired from that 8 hours of car time.  Soon as I walk in, the TV on the wall makes my face light up.  This dude seriously had Sanford and Son on like nobody’s business.Sanford  Yeyaaah!!




Of course the cig burns or whatever caused the holes in the bedding was also pretty comical here as well.  Definitely not recommended.Cig burns

Seven A.M. rolls around and the loud boom of Thunder hits just as my alarm goes off. How’s that for a wake up call?? Turns out there’s a tornado right over the river! Right over me!! Yikes!   My first thought; I hope this thing gets outta here before checkout time.  Messing up my scheduaaal.  So I get up and head down to the lobby to check out this continental breakfast that’s supposed to be goin’ on.   How about these fools had about 2 bowls of frosted flakes just chillin’ in the bin (I peeped them last night when I checked in) and the addition of 5 slices of sad looking toast in the bin. (breakfast was from 6:30am to 9:30am and it’s only 7:15!!)  Where’s the OJ?  Where’s the apple juice!? Maaan, damn!  Guess that Waffle House in the back of the parking lot there is about to happen.  Can’t roll out on an empty stomach.

Waffle house was cool. (but pricey) My sleepy/hungry ass didn’t pay attention to the prices and was just ordering off of hunger.  $18 breakfast cause I didn’t want them to throw out the food.  Daaaaamn!!  That’ll wake ya up.  The two ladies in there had the graveyard shift bloodshot eyes happening, but they were jovial and relaxed.  The dude cooking was on it though.  He was one of those people you see in the movies that never write down the orders and just memorizes everything.  This family of 5 rolled in and the waitress read off all of the orders.  My man just grabbed plate after plate, lined ‘em up and started cooking.  One lady was like, “he’s not gonna write any of that down?”  Waitress was like, “Nahh, don’t worry about it.  He’s got it.”  Love it.

Finally around 9:30 A.M. the tornado takes a break.  I don’t know if it was the heart or what, but one of the housekeeping ladies was like, “ya’ll better get out of here now while ya’ll can!  This tornado is huuuge!”  She didn’t have to tell me twice!

About an hour into the drive there was crazy rain, thunder and lightning happening.  Nooooo!  Had to do the speed limit ’cause, you know, can’t see squat out there.  I couldn’t tell if we were chasing the tornado, or if it was chasing us.  All I know is that was a nervous three hours with all of those damn mac trucks steaming up the road.  Finally the clouds parted and the storm broke off and headed north.  “Whew!”  Don’t know what I would have done on that part of the drive without my Richard Pryor CDs for the chuckles.

Phoenix of the Wolfe: Rise- Part 3


Long distance driving can be fun.  Almost therapeutic!  Just me, my posse and the open road.  Perfectly fine for the sort of introverted kind of person.  Pika loves riding shotgun on our long trips.  Every time we pass a car with kids in the back, he always waives or smashes his face against the window and the kids go bonkers.  Celebrities…

Everything has been smooth on the drive so far.  About 5 hours in I stop in at a Shell for some car nectar and hit the loo.  So many gas station restaurant combos these days.  This particular one was meshed up with a Whataburger.  Sure, fine.  I’ll get some damn fries.  Curse you food chains…

I laid out my grub on my trunk and ate while standing.  Mostly because my ass had that numbness happening like when you take a long flight and the right butt cheek feels like it’s gonna fall off until you punch it back to life.  Yeah, so I was happy to be standing for a minute.  Then I stopped and took in my surroundings.  Hey heeeey, look at all my chocolate peeps!  Then I remembered my Google maps navigator welcoming me to Louisiana about an hour ago.  She’s so polite.  Been a while since I’d seen so many of my folks in one place. (Outside of Houston or Dallas of course) Austin, not so much.

Things were pretty mild at that time.  Nothing happening except this one lady that kept giving me the eye like she wanted to give me somethin’ else, while she was puffin’ on a stogie.  Sorry mami, the Wolfeman’s not cool enough to handle that cigar smoke.  Deuces!